Monday, December 21, 2054

The Contest

The contest is over and done, but you can read about it if you like.

Here’s the deal. Since Paul fucked up his Rose Garden appearance so badly (in the previous chapter), who do you think wants him as a guest now? David Letterman, of course. After all, you can’t embarrass a president to his face without having Dave want to get in on the joke. Here’s where you come in. On the night Paul appears, Dave’s Top Ten list is:

Top Ten Things Not to Say When You’re Invited to the White House.

I’m having trouble coming up with ten of them, so I need your contributions. Enter as many times as you like, but please make each entry a separate comment.

-This story takes place in the Spring of 2004 so keep it appropriate to the period.
-Do your best to inject Letterman’s particular brand of snark.
Update: Also remember that George Bush isn't the President in this book, so references to him won't work.

I need winners by the time I post Chapter Thirteen (or Chapter Thirteen will be woefully inadequate).

This contest will have one GRAND PRIZE winner who will get to graze through my LibraryThing library and choose one of my books. (Once again, I’ll be asking the winner to mention a few books they’d like since there are some books I’m not willing to part with). The other winners will be Honorable Mentions and have they’re submissions included in the book. I'll, of course, be the sole judge (but you guys can tell me if you love someone's contribution), and if I like them enough, I may even replace the ones I've already written.

C’mon you guys. I know how funny you all can be. Try to make us all pee a little.


Steve Buchheit said...

"Boy, getting past the Secret Service was a lot easier than planned."

"The Oval Office seems bigger without all the microphones."

"The bomb sniffing dogs must have had colds."

"The metal detectors sure look impressive."

Jeff Dunham is a ventriloquist who has done some TSA jokes. Since he travels with his "guys in the suitcase" he makes some funny ones. Like going through Chicago and being selected to have his suitcase opened. Walter (one of his dummies, and crotchey old guy) said, "So then he opened the case and I pop up and say, 'Shut the damn door.' Then I thought about it more and then said (in an Middle East accent) 'I do not want to go to Los Angeles.'" He also does a routing about them wiping the butt of one of his dummies, then having that chemical wipe test positive for "weapons grade explosive." But that sometimes "lotion will also test positive for that." In his later shows, "The Lotion" has become a running gag.

Steve Buchheit said...

"The Oval Office looks bigger in pictures."

Todd Wheeler said...

"Are the twins home from college? I have a great drinking game we could all play."

Nathan said...

I don't want to influence the entries here too much, but remember, there's no George Bush in this book. The President in this story is MacKinzie Harper and I have no idea whether or not he has twins.

Just sayin'.

Jim Wright said...


I haven't started reading this whole thing yet, Nathan. Damnit, I just don't have time this week. I thought I'd have time next week, but oh hell no you've got to go and run a contest. Ahhgh! You're killing me.

And now, a contest, a fun contest, you're just doing this just to antagonize me, aren't you? Aren't you?

OK, since I haven't actually read the story yet, here's my entry in the blind:

- How Doggy! The First Daughter is a lot hotter in person.

- (in a rally bad Mexican accent, ala The Blues Brothers) The women, how much for your women?

Jim Wright said...

- (to the Secret Service Guard) Hey, is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Jim Wright said...

C'mon, pull my finger.

Nathan said...


One of your entries (and I won't say which one) is almost a duplicate of one of the ones I came up with myself.

I'm not sure if that means its terrific (great minds think alike) or totally lame (you guys should be able to come up with better than me),

Janiece Murphy said...

"No, that's my colostomy bag."

Janiece Murphy said...

"I'm more of a 'lone gunman' theorist, myself."

Nathan said...


Is it "No, that's my colostomy bag." or "No, that's my colostomy bag." or "No, that's my colostomy bag."

Nathan said...

I hit post before I meant to. Anyway, if you can make out the "bolding", I think you'll agree the sentence takes on some different meanings depending on which word is stressed.

jeri said...

Bryan and I thought up these:

I'd like to exercise my executive privilege on your daughter.
The red button is for room service, right?
Are you sure you know where that cigar has been?
Is the red phone just for Domino's?
I bet the secret service guys will think the toy gun's funny.
The Vice President is probably a better lover, too.
I just signed every other paper on your desk and threw the rest away.
Napoleon compensated, too.
Nice cigar box.
Veto this!

Jim Wright said...

Whoa, shouldn't have had the burrito for lunch. My eyes are watering. We're gonna need to open a window

Jim Wright said...

Wow, the camera really does add ten pounds, how many did you eat?

Jim Wright said...

Bill Clinton, Margret Thatcher, and the Pope walk into a bar...stop me if you've heard this one

Jim Wright said...

Burrito, version 2:

Whoa, shouldn't have had the burrito for lunch. Well, at least we've finally found a weapon of mass destruction. What?

Nathan said...

Its very close to time to publish Chapter Thirteen. You've got a little more time to enter the contest since,

1. I need to have lunch, and
2. I need to re-edit the chapter.

That'll take a little time, so let's get those last minute entries posted.

C'mon kids. We're in the homestretch.

Nathan said...

BTW, did any of you notice how I was influenced by this in Chapter Four?

Sneaky sumbitch, ain't I?

Janiece Murphy said...

Whichever one you think is funniest, Nathan. I'm an equal opportunity colostomy bag commedienne.